This is from a trans man’s perspective. If reading about trans sex makes you uncomfortable, you should stop here. If not, read on.
It’s nothing new. Is it rare? No. Uncommon, maybe. Yet, whenever media hear about it, they want to publish the story. Maybe it’s the buzz that a story like that generates. Maybe it’s the “strangeness” of a trans and trans relationship. Strange because you’ve never heard about it before or simply because you can’t wrap your mind around it. Whatever the reason, let’s tackle some common questions and misconceptions a person might have on trans dating:
Why would a trans man date a trans woman or vice versa?
I’ve heard some really bad comments from both cisgender and transgender individuals when they hear about a trans relationship. It goes something like:
Trans man to another trans man: “Imu ra gi sayang imung transition.” (You just wasted your transition.)
Cisgender woman to a trans man: “I thought you wanted to be a man.”
When trans men transition, it should be for themselves, and not solely for their partner. It is a decision that they have to live with and thus something they should be doing for themselves, not for others. Their transition is not wasted by choosing a partner that isn’t a cisgender woman. Choosing a non-cisgender woman doesn’t make them less of a man.
These are statements by persons who don’t accept transgender women as real women. The first one is more sad considering it comes from a fellow trans man. If he doesn’t see trans women as real woman, perhaps he doesn’t see himself as a real man? I may get bashed for this but I personally feel there are too many lesbians calling themselves trans men and who only see themselves as trans men because they took hormones and now have beards (or not). And the person who made that terrible statement is, I’m guessing, a lesbian claiming to be a trans man. But I could be wrong. They could just be woefully ignorant. Or maybe they’re just plain assholes. They could be both. Being ignorant doesn’t excuse you for being an asshole, by the way.
Trans men, who are attracted to women, date trans women because they are women. The question of genitalia may pop up but whether someone is pre-op, post-op or non-op, and how two people have sex is frankly none of your business. To some trans men, genitalia may matter, but to others, it doesn’t matter one bit. Relationships aren’t all about sex, you know?
If a trans man has sex with a trans woman, he’s not really trans, especially, if the trans woman is pre-op.
Why not? If a straight cisgender man has his wife penetrate him anally with a dildo, is he less of a man? Is it gay sex even if it’s between a man and a woman? If a man like penetrating his wife anally, does that automatically make him secretly gay? You can’t know how two people have sex even if you know what genitalia they have. I hope these questions help you think outside of the heteronormative box.
Sex can be enjoyed in a number of different ways. Some trans men enjoy penetrating, some enjoy being penetrated. Whichever the case, it doesn’t make him less of a man. Enjoying penetration doesn’t make you a woman or gay.
I say, fuck ’em.
“I am a trans man and I am in a relationship with a trans woman.”
I love being penetrated and I love penetrating my partner. We love having marathons (7 rounds anyone?) and we, in no way, are in doubt of our identities. In fact, we’re more confident than ever, in our identities and our love.